Virginia Walton
Women are caregivers by nature.
I saw a great example of this with a sixth grader at field hockey practice. I was working with her in the goal when her coaches 3-year-old started to cry. She put aside her needs, i.e. improving her skills for the game, to try to sooth this little one’s hurt.
This was so sweet I could not even yell at her to get focused on her practice. Here too was I putting her need to help before my needs as a coach. I bet we can all relate to this. We want make everyone happy.
Here is the problem when, we say “Yes” too much.
We see a need and we want to satisfy it. Whether it is at work, home or in our community. It is a fantastic thing to be of service. Trust me, that is a core value of mine, but at some point, it can cost us dearly.
Are the person in the office that “gets things done?”
If so, you are my people! My superiors and peers knew if I was given or took on a task, project, problem it would get done and on time. At first, I was flattered and maybe a little scared as I was given new challenges. I thought this is good for my career. It was, but only to a point.
Cleaning up messes and solving problems moved me up the corporate ladder.
Eventually there are only so many rungs left until someone gets off the ladder. While you are hanging out waiting for one of those few rungs to open up, you are still known as the one that gets things done so things keep coming from multiple sides and maybe more so because the cost is higher the higher you go. It is a vicious cycle.
Here is the other challenge.
Those that get things done live life that way, not just work. This means when the PTO needs someone to organize something they turn to you, the sports coaches need help so they turn to you, the minister or church elders, turn to you. Your family turns to you because you always find a way to get things taken care of.
Here is the ugly truth.
The reward for working hard and figuring it out is you get asked to do it more often and usually with less and less help. You are not alone. I am right here with you.
I agreed to help project plan our town’s big annual festival. There were 10 people at the meeting and each was taking an area, so coordinating did not seem like too much extra time and it is a skill I have so of course I said “I can do this.” Three months later, there are 4 of us working on this and I am doing way more than I signed up for. And of course, I am running my business, running our youth field hockey program and coaching in it as well as my service at Church.
Here are the five lessons this taught me.
- Expect that the number on the team will diminish before it is done.
This applies to the corporate world too. There will be the ones who show up for the meetings without their piece done, will look at you like you have two heads when you ask for their update or deliverable or just not even show up!
- Pause before you say “Yes.”
- Use this pause to ask:
- Does this align to my goals? If it is not your responsibility and is not going to advance your career, knowledge or standing- why do it? I am guilty of doing other people’s work, running myself down and not getting anything for it. Do not do this! Push back!
- Does this align to my values? If not, why do it? My community is important and this event is important so I said yes.
- Do I really have the time to do this? Be honest with yourself on this.
While I encouraged the leadership at my Church to participate, I had to be clear, that while I am among the group that serves and helps with many things at Church, I could NOT run nor even participate in whatever my Church decided to do at the festival. It was tough as a person that wants to help and serve, but I had to be realistic.
- There will be times you want to cry. It is okay. It is not a sign of weakness.
It is a sign you are human and your are having a physical reaction to the stress. Now I know crying at work is the last thing you want to do, but if you need to just get it out. Go out to your car, the parking lot, or wherever you can find some privacy and let it out. Remember you are human and this is the body having a reaction. I know women that cry after yoga because it is a release of the stress. It is not about weakness!
- Lastly, when you find yourself on the verge of saying “Fuck it!”
Take a break. Whatever that looks like for you. It could be a walk, vegging out for a day/evening, sending the kids to the grandparents for the weekend. Whatever you need to do to step away from everything for a bit. If you do not, odds are you will say “Fuck It!” and it will cost you way more than the time out did.