Virginia WaltonIf you are like me, it’s hard to ask for help. It feels like a sign of weakness, that you can’t do something or that you are a burden on others.
My mother raised me with the believe to ‘not need a man’. She had felt dependent on my father at times in their marriage and did not want me to have that same experience. That and the fact we did not have the financial means to pay people to do things, I saw her fix things around the house, change the oil in the car, run farm equipment, plant trees, cement the crumbling foundation on the barn, build a bathroom, etc. These two lessons were instilled in my starting at a young age and these taught me to just do things myself.
While these were great lessons and I am very grateful for that sense of independence, there is a down side. I struggle to let others help. I take the “I can do it myself” attitude and that can have some negative effects. Think about how this applies in our daily lives- visualize how you bring in the groceries or other bags from the car. I know most of us have experienced numbness in my hands or fingers as the plastic bags of canned goods and juice are cutting off our circulation because we insisted, we could get it all in one trip or figured it was easier to just do it ourselves than try to get a kid or spouse to come out and help.
In my corporate life, it was worse! It wasn’t about feeling like a burden, it felt like a sign of weakness. I worked in an industry that was predominantly male and when I went to my former employer in 2004, I was the youngest person and only female in our department. As I advanced in my career and up the corporate ladder, I was often still one of the younger ones at the table and for me that felt like I was being judged even harder which led to a greater sense of insecurity. So, I felt I had to prove myself, and if you ask for help, you’re not doing that. Ironically, as I managed people, I always encouraged them to ask questions when they were not sure or needed help with something. Like living a double life in my own head… exhausting! My goal was to never have them feel the way I did, I wanted them to grow with ease and be comfortable.
I understand the struggle, but here is the problem, it rarely serves you to take this approach. Now I am NOT suggesting that you ask everyone to do everything for you, as that will not lead to a good result. Even if you can get it, you will pay a cost….respect!
Admitting you do not know everything or cannot do every task under the sun is not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of the fact you are human! If you try to do everything, you’ll burn out. Trust me, I almost did. I would struggle to delegate tasks to my team at work and as a result often was at the office so late. I gave up things like sleep, exercise, healthy meals
It takes confidence and self-awareness to say, I need help. Those are not classes taught in school. It takes years of practice. I have learned it’s okay to let someone else help with things. If they offer, take it! It is a gift they are giving you, a sign of support and caring. Do not deprive them of that experience. Be grateful. How I wish I had learned this decades ago.
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Be well!