Virginia Walton“It wasn’t what you said; it was how you said it!” ~ Mom.
If you are like me, you heard this often as a child and it was always well deserved. Guess what it applies as an adult too. I learned this is my corporate career. When someone barked at or bit my head off in a meeting, guess what, I did the same thing right back. I am human and our instinct is to defend when we feel threatened even if it’s verbally. However, that never served me well. The conversation always ended up being less than ideal and I’d stew on it all day, maybe all week.
It took me years to realize that that person’s barking or snapping at me was more often than not about them, and not me. The way they said something was because of what was going on with them, but here I was telling myself it was about me when really it was about what that person was experiencing in that moment. When I learned to tell myself that reaction was about them, not me, I stopped getting defensive; I could stay calm; I stewed on it less. Don’t get me wrong, I still felt like they needed a reminder from mom! But if you can tell yourself, that tone or reaction was not about you, your reaction will be more effective.
What you say to yourself is the key. I am not saying you have to stand in front of the mirror saying “ I’m smart; I’m valuable and gosh darn people like me.” However, self talk and affirmations are a common topic in self-development books and articles because they are powerful tools. Regularly reminding yourself of your strengths and the way you want to show up helps keep you focused on these things and not your doubts. If you are constantly telling yourself, you can’t do anything right, guess what, you will not do anything correctly. But if you start every day with reminding yourself that you are calm, successful, valuable, meeting your goals, moving forward, focused etc. You will experience these things more regularly.
In closing, watch your tone of voice and the eye rolls, but more importantly watch what you are telling yourself. After all, that is the only voice that is always with you.